How We Know Mormons Have Too Many Meetings

Because there is actually a market for a product like this:

For the narcoleptic righteous man in your life : www.pillowtie.com

I love the entrepreneurial spirit. No one said they had to be good ideas.  

There Are So Many Other Things I Should Be Doing...

Like,

1. Finishing the article I am writing for Columbus Parent Magazine. That's what I originally opened my laptop to do. 1 1/2 hours later and I have not even opened my word file. Dang you Mental Floss and your addictive array of useless information!

2. Going to bed. It is almost 10 pm and Tyler and I have the night habits of 80 year olds. But Tyler's working tonight so I'm going to party it up. Maybe stay up until 10:30. Maybe I won't even floss tonight. That's right - You heard me.

3. Putting all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. But the way they are piled up is such a feat of physics that I don't want to disturb it.

4. Figuring out how to spell physics. It took me at least 5 times to get from psychics to phsyics to pjysics (slip of the finger) back to psychics and then to physics.

5. Thinking about all the funny words that start with ph. Phalanges, phalanx, phlebotomy, phlox, philatrics. This really isn't something that I should be doing, it's just a natural progression.

6. Admitting that I made that last ph word up. It sounded right so I went with it.

7. Getting new hobbies rather than sitting here looking stuff up on the internet (like philatrics).

8. Thinking of ways to bring about world peace.

9. Becoming emboldened by my world peace plan and begin writing Obama to tell him about the ideas that will change the world.

10. Looking up "Obama personal email" on the internet.

11. Finding words such as philanthropist and philanderer (interesting juxtaposition don't you think).

12. Getting distracted and abandoning plan.

13. Wondering if a pharmacist ever used philodendron to ease the pharyngeal reflex.

14. Deciding that of all my talents, procrastination may be one of my finest.

Somewhere Barney Weeps

To buy me a couple of minutes to get some important things done around the house (like sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing) I rented a couple of DVD’s from the library for Landon to watch. Recently we were on a trip in my sister in law’s car and Landon was riveted by the Baby Einstein® (ha-HA! No copyright infringement here!) DVD’s the kids were watching. I was hoping to repeat this experience at home with me as the beneficiary. And it’s worked, except not in the way I thought it would.

Today I put on Veggie Tales Do the Moo Shoo Sing Along and in the beginning Landon started to dance to the music – and by dance I mean he stuck his little bum out and started jerk-hopping on his tippy-toes. Very similar to how he looks when he poops – but after a minute or two he went right back to his toys and would only occasionally look up again at the screen.

I, on the other hand, was intrigued (I was sitting on the couch doing nothing anyway). The only thing I knew previously about Veggie Tales was that they did something with Bible stories. But as I watched, I saw a cucumber singing “On the day I got my tooth/ I had to kiss my Great Aunt Ruth/ She had a beard/ And it felt weird”. I don’t remember that Bible story anywhere. Maybe it’s apocryphal. It didn’t matter – I was hooked. I ended up watching the whole DVD while Landon couldn’t care less and played with a lighter (ha ha! Just seeing if you were reading. I promise. Really).

Kid’s entertainment has become so sophisticated these days, possibly to the detriment of the kids, but definitely to the benefit of the parents (aren’t we a part of the “me” generation anyway? Now here’s a trophy just for being you). I bet it’s because the people making kid’s shows these days remember watching Barney and Teletubbies when they were younger and were like “there’s no way I’m subjecting myself to that crap a second time around”. Along with interjecting wry humor, there’s even some satirical political and social commentary, such as this proletariat anthem:

I wonder if all this adult-laced kid’s humor will create a new breed of child, one who takes his juice straight and can’t start his day unless he’s read the Wall Street Journal – Illustrated Edition on his smart phone. Instead of the usual playground banter about being a poo-poo head and sissy, kids will charge the classroom bully with being Hawkish and call the kid who can’t share an Elitist. And Glenn Beck if they’re really mad.

I’m not sure that I want our children's childhood to be tossed aside so quickly in favor of the real world. I think I would rather have them retain some innocence and ignorance. Maybe Barney and his creepy I love you/You love me motto is the best way to go. But to be honest, right now I’m having too much fun watching Veggie Tales and Landon’s poop dance to worry.

Merry Christmas! Now Go Take Your Meds

It may only be September but the holidays are already peeking at us from around the corner.

Instead of combing the stores at the last minute for that one-of-a-kind gift (think oversize Hulk boxing gloves, or - if America's Funniest Home Videos have taught me anything - a hilarious fake lottery ticket), how about giving your loved one something truly from your heart: a stuffed friend with a psychiatric disorder.

Because, in the wee hours of the night, who doesn't want to cuddle up next to a hallucinating snake?

I'm going to give the crocodile to my mom (love, your concerned daughter).

The Unexplainables

I had one of those experiences today that was just so incredibly ridiculous there are no words to properly capture its utter absurdity. It was one of those times when you’re looking around to see if anyone (ANYONE!) is seeing what you’re seeing right now because it’s hilarious/horrifying/unbelievable. You are so desperate to find someone to share this moment with because you know that you will never be able to explain it.

So I won’t.

But that did get me thinking (surprise!) about all sorts of other things that I just could not explain – either because words are insufficient or because there’s just no darn good reason. I have compiled my thoughts into a list for your perusing pleasure:

1. My father & drive thru windows. Now, my father is a great man but why would a successful attorney have a complete and irrational aversion to the drive thru window? Not that this would stop him from using the drive thru – oh no! Instead, he would have me lean over from the passenger seat to shout out his order through the driver side window (UM, YEAH. BIG MAC WITH MEDIUM what? Large? Okay LARGE FRY AND A VANILLA SHAKE huh? Chocolate? You told me vanilla. Okay, fine, fine MAKE THAT A CHOCOLATE. NO I SAID CHOCOLATE. HOLD ON, LET ME UNBUCKLE MY SEATBELT TO LEAN CLOSER). I guess it just shows how much I love my dad. Or how much of an enabler I was.

2. My love for ABC Family movies (Bring it On 14? HECK YES!)

3. Miley Cyrus songs

4. Latin America’s adoration for all things Jean Claude Van Damme

5. How my son got to be so ridiculously cute – I know he’s mine. I was there.

6. Peanut Butter, Butter & Jelly sandwiches. What, you say? Who would put such a disgusting combination together? Everyone – meet my mother. Mother – meet everyone.

7. Anything Lil’ Wayne says

8. Dry clean only baby clothes

9. A world where Heidi Montag is a pseudo-celebrity

10. Jeggings (aka Jean Leggings) – Because trying to squeeze into skinny jeans doesn’t make us feel bad about ourselves enough. Although my friend Kristie can totally pull these off. I would be totally jealous if I didn't like her so much. But since I do, I call it friendvy (friendly envy). Check out her Style Blog here.

11. My uncanny knowledge of 90’s pop culture trivia, emphasis in Saved By the Bell

12. Why it’s only the most annoying songs that get stuck in your head (you spin me right round baby right round. Ha! Good luck getting rid of that one!).

13. Why I am sitting here writing this list even though my house is a mess, I am still in my workout clothes hours after working out and my son’s diaper is so full that he looks like the inspiration for General Larry Platte’s hit song “Pants on the Ground”.

I guess some thinks are just better left unexplained.

I May Need to Borrow a Cape

If you have ever asked kids what they want to be when they grow up, invariably there’s always a skinned-kneed kid with unruly hair who boldly declares, “Superhero!” punctuated with a little kid air punch. All the other little kids are a bit more realistic with answers such as teacher, astronaut, princess (Grace Kelly did it) and even the creepy kid who wants to be an obstetrician. Adults usually smile, pat the superhero on the head and send them off to play, keeping an extra eye out for that obstetrics kid.

If accountants dressed like this, more kids would want to be one.

But good news all you little aspiring crime fighters! Superhero is on its way to a legitimate profession! Criminals tremble! Spandex manufacturers rejoice!

I wish I had known about this sooner. If I had, I totally wouldn’t have spent my college years studying useless things like political science and sociology and instead honed my skills of ninja moves, cat-like reflexes and a super low monotone voice. Four years of my life, wasted.

Some say it’s never too late and, with the exception of anyone over age 14 sporting a I Heart Justin Bieber shirt, I would have to agree. So I’ve come up with my own Superhero alter-ego.

Bad guys and social injustices beware!

I am – the DEbDUCER! I will Deduce (or DEbDUCE as the verb that I will coin and copyright) all characters of a nefarious nature from their whole to merely a fraction of themselves. I will use my skills of DEbDUCTION ™ to infiltrate their hiding places and thwart their schemes. I will also be handy at fractions.

My calling card will be this: 4/8 = 2 late/4 bad guys.

I will wear spanx under my gold spandex.

I can only save people when Tyler’s home from work. Or if I could get someone to watch Landon. Or if maybe I could get the carseat in my DEbDUCE-mobile. But then IT’S ON!

Who’s with me?

There's a Little Good Mom in Us All. Kind Of.

I made peach cobbler today.

From scratch.

With fresh peaches.

From my very own peach tree.

That I just found out I had last week.

Even though my backyard is about 30 square feet.

I never claimed to be especially observant.

It was delicious!

As is anything with dough and a high sugar content.

I did not wear an apron.

Mainly because I was wearing old, comfy pajamas.

At 4 o’clock in the afternoon.

Landon took my inattention as an opportunity to explore.

By taking everything out of our Lazy Susan.

And shoving fistfuls of raisins in his mouth.

Covered in pre-made bread crumbs and Swiss Miss.

Landon, not the raisins.

I should have made him wear an apron.