In Case You Ever Doubted My Klassiness as a Mother

The other day my 10 month-old son, Landon, decided that I was his teething toy and kept biting my shoulder every time I would hold him. I put on my sternest face and with the most firm, no-nonsense voice I could muster, I would pull him away and say “No Biting”. Apparently, my stern face is hilarious because he would giggle and then clap.

This does not bode well for future discipline.

I decided that my serious face needed some work so, naturally, I went to practice in the mirror. Knowing full well that, should anyone walk in on me, I would not only not be taken seriously by children, but self-respecting adults as well. Nonetheless, I practiced. What I realized by looking at myself in the mirror (literally, not just philosophically) was that the majority of my “chiding” face was the same as my “SUPER EXCITED!” face. My eyebrows were raised and head tilted, only the jutted out jaw replaced the “GOOD JOB!” smile. No wonder Landon giggled. He was causing me physical pain and 75% of my face was saying “WAY TO GO!”.

So I practiced and practiced until I could get just the right amount of lowered/pushed together eyebrows and squinty eyes to look very serious without looking too much like I was trying to move a stationary object using the force. New stern face perfected and the future of a well behaved child before me, I picked up Landon. He, of course, bit me again and I unleashed my new face in all its “Don’t Mess with Me” glory along with a resolute “No Biting” command. Giggle, giggle. Clap, clap, clap. And then he bit me again. So I did what any other perfectly mature, loving, rational mother would do in the face of utter failure.

I bit him back.

There, I admit it. All pretense of my efficacy as a mother has been thrown out the window. Although I must admit – he hasn’t bitten me since.

Any other stories of good mothering are always welcome. Because you are so kind to do the same for me, I will only slightly judge you.