Thursday, November 18, 2010

Weird Welcome Here

I had a recent conversation with a friend in which we both bemoaned the fact that we are weird magnets. Weirdness courses it’s way through the world and sticks to us with such force that we’re always hit a bit off kilter. Our husbands both say that it’s because we are friendly to strangers which makes the crazy come out that much easier. But as I thought about all the weird stuff that has happened to me, I realized that not all of it had to do with other people. It had to do with me. And my positively charged ions.

So - because it’s only natural to give you some examples, because the list gets longer and longer the more I live and because, gosh darnit, it’s just entertaining, here are a list of some of the weird things that have happened to me:

1. I was bitten by a terrorists’ horse when I was 9 (notice the s’. Not a euphemistically terrorist horse. A terrorists’ses horse). One day while I was playing outside a miniature horse showed up in my yard and long story short – it bit my leg. It belonged to a house down the street where a sketchy group of people lived. A couple months later the men from the house were arrested and it was reported that a terrorist cell had been broken up. Not sure if the miniature horse was part of the plan. Most likely. Stupid horse.

2. I was burned by a boiling pot of potatoes when I was 4 and had to stay at the hospital a few days. Where was I burned? I would tell you BUT I can’t get BEHIND on my list. I REAR-ly can’t.

3. I once had to beg on the streets of Moscow for money for the Metro. Then a man took pity on my 17-year old self and tried to take me home with him. And they say chivalry is dead!

4. In high school I broke my foot dancing. To Christina Agulaira’s Genie in a Bottle. In my room. By myself. I can’t help that I feel the music.

5. I once split my toe in half by sitting on it.  A wooden chair, a white carpet, a mother coming to my aid with a feminine hygiene product, a confused bloody daughter and an aunt laughing hysterically may have been involved.

6. I once had to hide behind parked cars from a man with a gun. I used to work in social services and was responsible for interviewing parties in domestic violence disputes. After one particularly creepy interview I went out to the parking lot only to find the man I had just interviewed was there, waiting. He drove up behind me and followed me very slowly. I couldn’t get to my car or back to work without passing by him so I just hid between two parked cars and called inside. He sat there for awhile until finally driving off. The cops pulled him over a few streets down and he had a shotgun in his car. Believe it or not, it actually took another similar incident like that for me to quit that job.

 7. I have an extra bone in my lower back. This isn’t exactly something that “happened” to me but is weird nonetheless. I think it just means that I am evolutionaryily behind everyone else. Take THAT Darwin!

8. I walked around for more than two weeks almost fully in labor with Landon, but I didn’t know it – I couldn’t feel contractions. I had to be induced because my doctor thought he would just drop right out. Nurses came into my room to see the freakish “no-pain girl.” That moniker didn’t last long.

9. I was once proposed to via a passed-along note by a man sitting near me on an airplane who had previously explained to me that the last time he was on a plane he saw a winged angel flying alongside his window. I may have told the guy sitting next to me that the note was for him.

10. I was proposed to (by my husband) by an elaborately staged home break in. Scare the girl to death so that marriage seems like a good alternative, that’s the way to do it. Sometimes, to keep the romance alive, we watch Cops together.

Those are only the things that I could explain in a sentence or two. The list continues on and on and on. Like my husband says, “that would happen to you.”

But as much as my mom tells me I’m unique (just like everyone else) I know I’m not the only one with an interesting experiences list.

What are some of the weirdest things that have happened to you?

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Amazing Race

An Existential Running Haiku 
by Debbie


 I run.
Therefore I am. 

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. 

Okay, so not really a haiku. But existential nonetheless.

On Saturday I ran a race. A 10k. I'm not a big racer, nor have I every really considered myself a real runner before but something amazing happened on Saturday. I had FUN. Running. I was funning.
Landon and I before the race. It was ridiculously cold. I mean, really, seriously cold. See his little hands?
Those are socks. Never call me unprepared.
The main reason why it was so much fun was because I had friends there to run with me. I've done other races solo and, honestly, it's just not that fun having no one to high five. The race was a recovery race for two of the girls who ran a marathon a few weeks ago and for the other two of us - we just had nothing better to do on a Saturday morning. And we enjoy pain. 

Rachel (the instigator), me, Casey & Jen (the marathoners). Thank goodness for good friends who force you to get off your butt and do something with your life. 
So like I said, I had a lot of fun while running. Like more than I should have. Like I tried really hard not to sing out loud along with my ipod for most of the way. I can't say I succeeded in that effort.
All the women who are independent, Throw your hands up at me
The best part of any race is the last 10 feet before the finish. It's honestly the reason you run anything in the first place - for those last 10 feet. After you finish you kind of just hang out for a second, raid the free food and try not to step in anyone's throw up. But during those 10 feet the world is a wonderful, magical place.

See the guy in red? We were neck and neck for the last half mile until he really put on the speed at the last second. I guess he didn't want to be beaten by a girl. The only thing that made me feel better is that he immediately went to the side and started dry heaving. Then I felt bad for feeling better about that. It's a vicious cycle.
Okay, so maybe the real reason that I had so much fun at the race is because I actually got an award. Me! An award! For funning! I came in 3rd place in my age group for females. Wearing blue jackets. With brown hair. Named Debbie. (Wait, and I only got 3rd place? Dang it! Next race I'm signing up as Alice Angelos).
Me and my 3rd place plaque. I'm going to hang it in our office next to Tyler's medical diploma. Just so everyone knows we're a power couple.
PS - Check out Landon taking the opportunity to escape. He kept trying to run over the finish line. I guess he knows all about those last 10 feet too. 

So that was my amazing race. Hopefully they'll be more in the future. In the meantime, who wants to go funning?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Why I Had a Kid

Hey, I birthed him. Shouldn't I get something out of this deal too?

That's more like it.